The Bachelorette Finale : "I Have No Regrets"

The Bachelorette Finale : "I Have No Regrets"

It's finally over. If you felt a gentle breeze blow your hair back, it was my explosive sigh of relief traveling miles, state lines, countries, continents, galaxies.

Every season, host Chris Harrison promises that "this season of The Bachelorette/The Bachelor/Bachelor in Paradise will be the most dramatic yet," and he proves himself a liar most of the time. Not this time! Kaitlyn Bristowe finally made her choice, and it was in the most awkward, painful way possible. You played the runner-up real dirty, Kaitlyn. Reeeeal dirty.

Let's get into it, shall we? Huge spoilers are below, obviously.

Meet the Parents

I don't understand the timing of these meetings. Their point is rendered entirely moot just one hour later, when the Bachelor or Bachelorette makes their final choice, and they're often tedious. What are the parents going to do – kick the contestant out of the house? However, Kaitlyn's mom is a proper delight and deserves a special mention for calling both Nick and Shawn out on their nonsense. She was not pleased with Nick for how he behaved during After the Final Rose – you know, when he made Andi Dorfman feel like she was beholden to him for having sex with him – and she was also not thrilled to hear that Shawn was behaving jealously.

But was it really even simple jealousy? Ever since Nick joined the ranks, Shawn appeared to have been more focused on Nick than on Kaitlyn – and on winning rather than actually coming away with a girlfriend or fiancée on his arm.

But no matter – Shawn and Nick charmed everybody.

Shawn admitted to Kaitlyn's father that he "definitely struggled seeing her go off with other guys," because he "care[s] so much." To explain away consistently negative character traits that can have damaging consequences on a relationship as a symptom of "caring too much" is gross, but it's the finale so I'm feeling generous. Moving on.

The Flimsy Meat in the Bachelorette Finale Sandwich

Since this is the finale – and because this is my last Bachelor franchise recap for PEOPLE – I'd love to share some of the notes written during the time I spent waiting for the finale to get to the good part:

• "Date on a boat"
• "Boring"
• "This is forever"
• "Shawn saved a memory jar"
• "Tees from the golf date"
• "Notes he had written her"
• "Neil Lane"
• "Rings from Neil Lane"
• "Neil Lane Neil Lane Neil Lane"
• "Omg this is borrrrrrrrring"
• "Wearing a very lovely dress"
• "Cries"

That … was pretty much it. The enjoyment that can truly be derived from this show rests on an even bell curve – with the full roster of suitors, it's complicated and messy and everybody looks the same. Not the most enjoyable. Once the show narrows down to six to 10 suitors – depending on the personalities involved – that's when the show hits its peak. It's all downhill from there, as the Bachelor or Bachelorette has long conversations with near-strangers that are meaningful only to the people involved.

However, I should more thoroughly explain that Neil Lane – truly the star of this episode – usually only shows up to the chosen one's house/hotel/general living space, while the Bachelorette shows up to the runner-up's dwelling of choice to explain that they're out of luck. Neil Lane visited both Shawn and Nick! Either Kaitlyn needs to move to a state without a law against bigamy or things are going to get awkward! 

The confident speech that preceded Nick's conversation with Kaitlyn should have already spelled things out for you if that vague sense of doom you were feeling didn't already make what was about to happen quite clear. "I think the calmness that I have is a certainty that I do love Kaitlyn and the confidence that I have that she loves me," said Nick in a voiceover. Noo. Nooooo …

Nick spoke first, which was a bad move. To be fair, however, she did not look like she was going to pipe up. Said Nick, in part: "I look at you and thinking about how in love I am with you and what you mean to me, I'm not ready to let you go and I don't want to let us go 'cause I am in love with you. And I look at you and I have such confidence in you and in us and I am yours forever, if you'll have me, and Kaitlyn …"

That trailing-off was Nick going down on bended knee, but Kaitlyn stopped him with her hands on his before he could get much farther than a slightly hunched set of broader-than-you'd-think-at-first-glance shoulders.

It was time.
 
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